Seeing, Being Seen, and the Survival Responses That Shape Us
Most of us know the feeling of not being acknowledged. You share something important, and it drops to the floor. You’re in a group and suddenly feel like the odd one out. Or you’re at a family dinner, a meeting, or scrolling through social media, and something inside says, “I don’t belong here.”
That experience is far from imaginary. It triggers the nervous system, and when it does, our survival responses wake up.
The Basic Need To Be Seen
Being seen and heard is a basic human need, and when that need goes unmet, we can feel:
Sad, anxious, or depressed.
Invisible or cast out of the “tribe,” even if nothing obvious has changed on the outside.
Pulled toward anger or shutdown as a way to cope.
On a deep, hardwired level, we are social animals. We needed other humans to survive, literally. Feeling overlooked can register as a threat. It makes us feel alone, and our bodies respond accordingly.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn in Everyday Life
Most people have heard of the fight-or-flight response. But there are two other common survival responses: freeze and fawn. All four can show up in ordinary moments as a response to feeling unseen. These responses are not just reserved for crisis.
Fight: Pushing back, arguing, raising your voice, or becoming sharply critical when you feel dismissed or misunderstood.
Flight: Leaving the room, changing the subject, burying yourself in work, or disappearing into your phone to escape discomfort.
Freeze: Feeling emotionally or physically paralyzed. You might describe it as shutting down, going blank, or being stuck in indecision. This kind of paralysis can feel like “I have so many choices and I’m afraid of making the wrong one, so I make no choice at all.”
Fawn: People-pleasing as survival. You work overtime to keep the peace, flatter, appease, or take care of everyone else’s needs so the situation stays safe—even at your own expense.
These are not character flaws. They are understandable responses to feeling threatened, outcast, or othered, whether it’s at a holiday dinner, in a relationship, at work, or inside a cultural system where you feel you don’t quite belong.
When Survival Becomes a Way of Life
Survival responses are meant to protect us in the short term. While this can be healthy and positive, complications arise when it becomes the default for how we move through the world.
Over time, living in survival mode can lead to:
Chronic anxiety and constant scanning for what might go wrong.
Depression, especially when anger and hurt get turned inward.
Shame, fueled by thoughts like “Why can’t I just get it together?” or “What’s wrong with me?”
Self-abandonment, where it feels easier to betray your own needs than risk conflict or disconnection.
Often, what looks like self-sabotage on the outside (substance use, overeating, overworking, staying in painful relationships) has a purpose: It provides some sense of control, identity, or relief when you otherwise feel powerless. Even destructive behaviors can be attempts to regain agency—i.e., “Even if I can’t change the situation, at least I’m the one deciding what happens to me.”
This doesn’t mean that those behaviors are healthy or sustainable. It does mean that they make sense. And starting with “This makes sense” is very different from starting with “What’s wrong with me?”
The good news is that understanding your survival responses—instead of judging them—is the first step toward change. Once you can see these patterns clearly, you have a choice about what comes next.
From Self-Blame to Purpose and Agency
A powerful shift happens when you move from judging your responses to understanding them. Questions like these can help:
When I feel unseen or unsafe, which survival response do I tend to go to first? Is it fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?
What is that pattern trying to do for me? Protect me? Keep the peace? Help me avoid shame or rejection?
Where did I learn that this was how to stay safe? In my family, at school, at work, or in my culture?
Seeing your patterns as survival strategies rather than moral failures opens the door to new choices. A pattern can be familiar without being comfortable, and you can still respect what it's been protecting you from. From there, it becomes possible to ask, "Is this still serving me? If not, what else might be possible?"
How Therapy Can Help: Being Seen While You Experiment
Good therapy is not about “fixing” you. It’s about creating a space where you can feel seen, understood, and accompanied while you explore new ways of being.
At Lumen Therapy Collective, that often looks like:
Slowing down and naming what actually happens in your body and mind when you feel unseen.
Learning and putting words to shame and self-criticism, so you’re not carrying them alone.
Exploring the purpose behind your survival responses, instead of shaming yourself for them and trying to wish them away.
Experimenting with Agency
Practicing small, real-world experiments in autonomy—like setting a boundary, saying no, asking for help, or letting yourself take up a little more space—is how we learn the skill of agency. A therapist can act as a guide, suggesting where you can shine your flashlight as you explore the darker corners of your experiences together. Over time, as you familiarize yourself with the process, you can turn old survival patterns into new choices rooted in self-respect and connection.
If any of this resonates, you might try the following experiment:
The next time you feel unseen or dismissed, pause and ask, “Which stress response am I having to this feeling: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?”
Name it gently—e.g., “Oh, that’s my freeze,” or “That’s my fawn.” No judgment, only recognition.
Ask, “What is this part of me trying to protect?”
Write down your answer and reflect on it before sharing with a therapist or trusted friend. Remember, you don’t have to change anything yet. Simply noticing and naming these patterns is a great place to start. If you would like support in shifting away from behaviors that no longer serve you, Lumen Therapy Collective offers individual and relational therapy for adults, teens, kids, and families in Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, and Nevada—both in-person and via telehealth.